Hey, friends.
So, I know I have quite a few people who enjoy my more long-winded chats with y'all. It could be a speech about Autistic rights, a funny story about something that happened to me at the grocery store, or some other piece of prose. Today could be a long one, so pull up a chair, grab a hot chocolate and a cookie, and get comfy, cause we're gonna have a chat.
So, some of you all may have noticed that I haven't been posting as much on Facebook anymore. This is partly because I'm working full-time, partly because I'm out there living my best life in the best way I know how, making memories with people I care a lot about... but also due to some personal reasons. That's what I want to talk about.
Most of my Facebook friends, are people that I've either known for a long time, or had on my friends list a long time. And, that's the thing. When people know you for a long time, they, well, know you. What you like and dislike, what you're passionate about, the things that make you tick or make you sad or angry.
So what happens when someone changes?
See, here's the thing. In my lifetime, I've been very passionate about my beliefs. Passionate to the point that, especially when I was younger, I actually became a bit of an arse about it.
Impossible, you say? Kind, sweet, gentle, innocent Hannah would never.
Well, I was. And I fully own it. I pushed my beliefs on people who didn't want to hear it. I drove people, friends, away. I have people now that want nothing to do with me, not because of the beliefs I held, but because of the way I presented them. I created drama. I started Facebook fights. I got into blocking wars. I called people out publicly. I was a stuck-up snob. I was right, about everything, all the time. Your lived experience didn't match my personal beliefs? Too bad, you're wrong.
Typical teen years garbage, I suppose, only instead of it being high school drama, it was religious drama. I had a lot of rigid, inflexible thinking, something that I've been working on over the past few years.
But anyway, this post wasn't meant to be a confessional of all my shortcomings. I save that for therapy, LOL. My point is, people know me. Or think they do.
Which brings me back to my original point... what happens when people change?
I have so much joy in my life. I have so many things I'm passionate about. But I don't post them. Why? Not because I'm afraid. Well, maybe that's a lie... I am a bit afraid. Yeah... bold, fearless Hannah, afraid.
Not exactly afraid that people are going to come after me with torches and pitchforks... I'd like to believe that we as a society have (mostly) moved past our hatred, or fear of, or loathing of, or disdain for, people of other religions and other faiths. But change is difficult. Not just difficult for the person who's changed, but difficult for the people who've known you all your life, who expect you to stay the same, and who can't understand why in the world you'd want to change.
Some may say that it's because I wanted to be able to sin. That one makes me laugh... I'd say that at this point I probably live a more moral life than at any other point. At least, I'm much more forgiving than I used to be. More compassionate, more understanding, quicker to give second chances. Less angry. Less bitter. Less judgmental, for sure.
Some may say I backslid. I prefer to say that I just stopped holding onto things that were causing me harm and pain. Sometimes, letting go is the bravest thing you can do.
Some may call me lost. I don't quite think that's accurate... because, after years of living a lie, I'm finally starting to find myself. Starting to discover who I truly am. Starting to love myself, truly, madly, deeply.
Changing what you believe doesn't happen all at once. It happens, slowly, one unanswered question at a time. It's not easy. It's hard, it's painful, I would not wish it on anyone. But sometimes it is so very necessary; for your happiness, for your mental health, for your physical health, for so many other reasons.
So, where do I go from here?
I don't know. I really don't know. I know that I long to share the happiness I've found with my friends... carefully, because in my new faith, we don't believe in converts. We believe in loving others and allowing them to find their own way, their own path, gradually and naturally. Every person's path is different. Yours will not be mine, and mine will not be yours, and that's okay.
And that's why I don't post as often on Facebook. Because I'm bubbling over with newfound zest for life, and I'm afraid that, like a butterfly with still-damp wings, that will be crushed into oblivion by people who are only here to argue, to tell me I'm wrong, that I'm sinning, that I'm going to hell, that what I've experienced can't possibly be real, that I'm deceived, that I'm a devil-worshipper, and on and on it goes.
Because I WAS that person. And I know the hurt that well-meaning humans are capable of causing.
But at the same time, I want to talk about it.
I want to talk about how meaningful it is to re-decorate my altar with each turn of the Wheel of the Year. I want to talk about how I connect to the Earth during my hikes. I want to talk about how I sat in rapturous silence and gazed at the Moon for an hour, and what I learned while sitting beneath my favorite balsam fir. I want to talk about baking muffins full of good intentions for Lammas, and sharing them with my friends, and how much joy celebrating the harvest gives me, and how I feel so much more connected and loved since I started honoring and remembering my ancestors at Samhain, and how I don't suffer from seasonal depression anymore since I started celebrating Winter Solstice.
I want to share all those things. And maybe I will, someday. When it feels safe.
But for now, maybe it's enough to say that I'm a new person, and with meeting new people, comes an introduction.
Hi, I'm Hannah. I'm a ginger, I'm Autistic, I love nature and my friends and horses and the color purple, and I'm a Pagan.
