Tired

 Some days, I'm just so very tired. Oh, not tired of being autistic. Not at all. But tired of being made to feel like being autistic is somehow bad or wrong.

Image Description: A black and white diagram of a brain,
shown from above. Both the left and right lobes
are splattered with brightly colored
paint blobs.

Standing in the lineup at the grocery store, I peruse the titles of gossip magazines. A cover photo catches my eye: a smiling woman with a beautiful little boy, with the cutest grin and sparkly eyes. The glaring headline: "How I Cured My Son's Autism."

A distraught mother sobs on a famous talk show. Her son has been diagnosed with autism. She will do anything, she says... anything at all to be rid of this monster that's stolen her son. Her son, sitting next to her, listening to everything she says.

A so-called "autism professional" smiles brightly at me though a computer screen. "We're going to have such a wonderful time, aren't we?" she coos. "We're going to learn all about how to get along and share, and how important it is to be at work on time! Look at Johnny! Johnny likes animals. Hannah likes animals too! Wow! Hannah and Johnny are going to be the best of friends!"

A medical professional sighs at me over the phone. "You have to remember, Hannah, not everyone is as lucky as you. It's a spectrum. Some people are severely disabled by their autism."

Another medical professional shakes her head sadly when I tell her that the Autistic community prefers the term "Autism Spectrum Condition" rather than "Autism Spectrum Disorder."

"It has to be classified as a disorder," she explains to me patiently. "We'd never receive funding to treat it, otherwise."

Treat it. Cure it. Make it go away.

This beautiful, rainbow brain of mine.

The one that makes me flap my hands with excitement.

The one that makes me able to pick up on other people's emotions and feel them as if they're my own. The one that makes me able to hear electricity.

The one that enables me to sit in silence for hours, not needing words to spoil the golden quietness.

The one that allows me to focus for hours on something, forgetting to eat, drink, or sleep.

The one that sees colors in music and in the months of the year.

The one that enables me to see in the dark like a cat.

The one that lets me smell smoke or hear dripping water long before anyone else senses it.

The one that allows me to be unfailingly, unflinchingly honest.

The one that enables me to sit down and chat with a poor person just the same as a rich one, and not see any difference between them.

The one that sees the good in everyone.

The one that allows me to come up with creative solutions that leave people scratching their heads and saying, "How did we not think of that?"

The one who can look at an animal and sense its emotions as strongly as my own.

The one that sometimes exhausts me with its constant spinning and looping through different ideas and imaginary worlds.

The one who loves challenging the status quo.

The one who can coax a smile out of almost anyone upon first meeting them.

This beautiful rainbow brain of mine, is... broken.

That's what they say.

Severe. Handicapped. Differently-abled. Special needs. Failure. Too slow. A scourge worse than cancer. Treatment. Cure. Therapy. No, ma'am, it's not your child, it's the autism. If we get rid of the autism, you can have your child back. Autism stole your child. A fate worse than death. Scrambling. Panicking. Try this diet... try this medication. Detox. Electric shock. Motivation-based. Rewards. Compliance. Hand-over-hand. Don't do it that way, do it this way. Can't you just be normal? Can't you try harder?

"But it's not you," they reassure me. "It's only the people who are suffering from autism. The ones who are severely autistic."

The severely autistic ones... who think the same way I do. Who react the same way I do. Who process the same way I do. Who respond the same way I do. Who feel things the same way I do. Who have feelings and emotions the same way I do.

Where, exactly, is the difference?

And it's exhausting, to scream into the void to a world of people with their fingers in their ears, who smile and pat you on the head and say, "That's okay, dear. Of course you don't want to get better. You just don't know any different, because you've always been this way."

And it hurts, and it aches, and it bleeds, and it keeps you awake at night wondering WHY it is that who you are is so awful and so terrible and so scary and so wrong?

And I wonder...

Why can't I just...

Be...

ME?

Image Description: The author, a woman with long red hair, is lying
on her stomach on her bed, with her chin propped up in one hand,
facing the camera and smiling. She is wearing
glasses, a black shirt, blue jeans, and bright red socks. 
She has her feet in the air with her ankles crossed.

How I Deal With Nighttime Anxiety

 

If you're a person who battles severe anxiety like I do, you may find that sometimes, night time is the worst time of all. I'm not sure if it's the combination of the dark, being alone with your racing thoughts, feeling farther away from help, or a combination of these; but what I do know, is that night-time anxiety is the worst.

Image Description: A figure walking away from the camera
through a dark and foggy forest. Ahead of him looms the outline
of an alien-like figure with glowing eyes and hands outstretched
towards the camera. Overlaid white text reads: How I deal with
nighttime anxiety.

Since it's something I've been struggling with a lot lately, especially during the holiday season, I wanted to share with you some of the techniques I use to help calm myself down.

1. Get Up!

If you're like me, you've spent hours tossing and turning in your bed; or, worse, frozen in fear and unable to move at all. A lot of times we tend to have something against getting up in the middle of the night; after all, aren't we supposed to be sleeping? But what I've found over the years, is that sometimes getting up and moving around helps you feel as though you're doing something constructive. A little change of scenery, such as going out and sitting quietly in the bathroom or living room for a few minutes, may wake you up and help you get a better grasp on reality, particularly if you've had an upsetting dream.

2. Get Some Fresh Air.

If you have a house or apartment with an outside door, you might consider stepping outside briefly to clear your head. If it's winter, you live on the tenth floor of an apartment building, or you don't feel safe going out at night, you can also open a window and just breathe the fresh air for a few minutes. I find this often helps me settle down more quickly than anything. It also cools me down if my anxiety has me feeling overheated.

3. Warm Up.

When I have anxiety, I tend to feel extremely cold and shivery. Consider draping a warm blanket or sweater over your shoulders, holding a heating pad in your lap, or sipping a warm drink. You can also run some warm (not hot!) water from the faucet and dip your hands in it. If you're using a heating pad, please make sure not to fall asleep with it, or make sure it's the type that shuts off after a certain period of time so you don't accidentally get burned.

Image Description: Illustration of a person with their hair in a bun,
wearing a turtleneck sweater and pink fuzzy slippers
with a blanket over their knees. They are sipping from a mug with
a cat curled up next to them.

4. Take Something For Nausea.

Everyone's anxiety symptoms are different; mine almost always display as nausea or upset stomach. I also have a phobia of throwing up, which tends to become a vicious cycle; anxiety makes me want to throw up, and needing to throw up makes me even more anxious. I usually take a ginger Gravol, since they're very gentle and don't make you drowsy (medication that makes me drowsy also tends to increase my symptoms of panic, so keep that in mind!). Often, knowing that I have something in my stomach that will help relax the spasms, helps calm the fears around throwing up and makes me feel less likely to do it.

5. Have Something To Eat Or Drink.

If you're already feeling nauseated from anxiety, putting something in your stomach may be the last thing you want to do. And I definitely wouldn't recommend sitting down to a slice of pizza or some salami and pickles, but if you feel up to nibbling on a few soda crackers or a slice of toast, you may find that it helps with the nausea. Plus, the act of preparing and eating food may be a calming ritual that can temporarily take your mind off your anxiety.

6. Listen To Calming Music Or Nature Sounds.

I really can't emphasize this enough... long play nature videos have saved my life. I always fall asleep to one, and waking up to the sound of a gentle rain, birds chirping, or a cozy fire crackling often avert the panic before it even starts. Many long-play nature videos have dark screens, so they won't disturb your rest.

Image Description: Close-up photo of a pink lotus flower
against a backdrop of dark green leaves.

7. Listen To A Guided Meditation.

If you've never tried a guided meditation or sleep talkdown before, I highly recommend it! One of my favorite channels is The Honest Guys. Please note that I'm not affiliated with them in any way, their channel has just been super helpful for me! They have several videos aimed at reducing anxiety and panic attacks. Here's one of my favorites, but be sure to check out the rest of their content!

8. Sleep With A Lamp Or Nightlight.

Not everyone feels comfortable sleeping in total blackness, and there's absolutely no shame in being afraid of the dark. If I've been feeling sick during the night, I have a small nightlight that I turn on. That way, I can easily find my way out to the bathroom should I need to, and I can see at a glance that all is well. If you don't have a lamp or nightlight, you could also try turning the hall light on, or a light in another room, and leaving your door open a crack.

9. Do Something Calming.

I probably don't need to tell you that scrolling Facebook is not always a great idea in the middle of the night when you're fighting off a panic attack. But that doesn't mean that there aren't other options. For me personally, I like flipping through a gardening magazine. There's something so calming and relaxing about plants and flowers, and it's kind of hard to concentrate on what's making you anxious if your mind is occupied with different types of potting soil and the best fertilizer to use on a rosebush. Many people also enjoy coloring, drawing, knitting, and other calming activities.

10. Have Someone That You Can Contact.

Whether it's a trusted friend, family member, or the number of your local mental health crisis line, it may set your mind at ease to know that there's someone you can call or text for help if it's needed. Don't ever be afraid to reach out for help; chances are, the person you are reaching out to may have gone through something similar themselves!

Image Description: Simple cartoon illustration of
two hands holding a smartphone.

11. Talk To Yourself.

When you're anxious or having a panic attack, there are negative thoughts coming at you from all angles. Don't be afraid to give yourself a pep-talk... inside your head, or out loud if that's more comfortable for you. Tell yourself, "You are strong. You are okay. This is temporary. These feelings (or sickness, or fears) will pass. You are going to be fine. You have a lot to look forward to. You will make it through this. Everything will be all right."

12. Practice Grounding Techniques.

If you're panicking and/or struggling to breath, your first priority is to get to a safe space both physically and mentally. Lie down on the floor if you are afraid of falling or fainting. Take slow, deep breaths, and exhale slowly. Look around the room and name the objects as you see them: a chair, mirror, shelf, curtains, and so on. Use your thumbs to touch each of your finger tips in turn and count them. Count your inhales and exhales. Gently rub your chest or stomach in a slow, circular motion. Press your palms together and concentrate on the pressure. Grounding techniques may take some practice, but eventually, you will find yourself doing them almost instinctively.

I hope you find some (or all) of these techniques helpful! What do you find helps you the most during an anxiety or panic attack?